Today was my first time at a Ren Fair. And it was just what I needed. I've been so angry at "Your Favorite Book" boy for so long that, unfortunately, I let it consume me. I haven't gone out and just had fun in well over a month and so instead of doing my homework today, I drove across town to have so fun.
I listened to a kick ass band The Prodigals [link] (super good jig-punk!) and then I headed over to watch a juggler. He was "The Bawdy Juggler" [link] and he juggles while telling you dirty jokes!!! 
He kept talking about his balls 
and making silly insinuations. He was like an awesome stand up comic who also does neat tricks! But there was also something deeper about him. I couldn't put my finger on it, but from the way he thought and the jokes he told and his stage presence -- I just felt for the first time in a long time that this was a person who I could really talk to. I mean someone that I could talk to him about performance and art and comedy and story-telling and he'd get it! I am continually disappointed with the lack of deeper thinking from my fellow students at university as far as story-telling and art are concerned. But this guy -- I could tell he GOT IT. When I got home I looked him up on MySpace and further still, found an impressive journal entry that really struck a chord. He wrote:
"In the darkness, alone and unseen amid the muck, an acorn responds to the song of life by breaking through the shell that has encased it for so long and pushes forth into a new world. Before long the seed is well on its way to becoming a tree. I liken my life to an acorn that has lain dormant for decades, finally finding the right circumstance to push beyond the hard case of self imposed limitations and sprout up into a life of love, acceptance and creativity. Now, I soar above all that I was with a renewed sense of presence in the world while simultaneously discovering that my roots were set deeply from the beginning." [link]
After high school, I told myself to grow up and get a real job. Stop day-dreaming about this life in performance and be realistic. (How many times can a kid hear "You'll never make it" before they give up?) And so I have kept the artistic side of myself buried for as long as I possibly could, but now it is finally, inevitably bubbling to the surface. The course of life never fails to impress me with its unpredictability. I never thought that I would be where I am. There are so many cynical misconceptions I've had of life and the world and I am pleased to learn that I was wrong. I never thought that I could be an artist and performer and find happiness doing it much less make a living at it. And I never thought that anyone could ever understand the way I feel inside. And then today I cross paths with a "Bawdy Juggler" only to be met with a man who in many ways reminds me of me and who also lives the life I've always wanted to live, a life of performance. It's an ache, an urge, a need. It's a deep, constant desire that has never left me at any point in my life, and yet, I push it out time and again. I have let fear stop me from nurturing and expressing my artistic inclinations... and it's time that this stops.
If this man can combine sexual innuendo and juggling (who'da thought?!) and make a living at it, if he can live his dream and find happiness in his life -- is it not possible that I could do the same? I can't let fear keep me from exploring this any longer. This is a call to action... and though I don't know how I'm going to answer it just yet, I know that I am on the verge of finding my way back into the limelight.
Do any of you out there find that you feel shame or fear or inhibitions where art is concerned? Do you feel that your artistic expression is or would be misunderstood? What are your ultimate goals concerning art in your life?
Much love,
PL
~ * ~
Devious Pick of the Journal:
Cut Down on the Fake Sex Noises 
Star Trek!!! 
Humor
Tired
Pleased
Noble
Artistic
